KrisHawk
by on April 26, 2019
387 views

If you’re expecting a hardcore sadistic memory of mine, then this isn’t one of those. This is VERY personal! I got emotional a few times writing this... He passed away years ago. This slave was a second father to me. I’m happy to be writing about him, John Robert.

___________________________u___

2009

 

Giving you guys some history. I was first found by Ricky Sinz, famous porn star of Chicago. He’s been a TON of films for several studios. If it hadn’t been for him I wouldn’t be here. I was at finn skatepark in countryside Illinois the day he met me in person. He had sat sat in the parking lot eating a subway sandwich. He saw my Equal Rights sticker on the bottom of my skateboard as I was leaving with my buddies. He snapped his fingers as I walked away and motioned for me to come over.

 

I walked up to him and asked he asked what shoe size I was. “There is a huge demand for models (never said doms) for genuine skaters. In the porn industry its so fake when their boards have wheels as clean as a whistle. There are all kinds of sites dedicated to a “skater fetish” even though none of them are. I’m currently looking to hire more. I saw you and your personality for the last hour and you’re what I’m looking for.” He handed me a card with his email and his official website. I looked the card over and asked him “what does this entail? And what does my shoe size have to do with anything?” He asked for my number and I saved his number in my phone. I don’t know why. If anyone else had asked me to come to their car I would have ignored them. I rode my board home and said I’d think about it.

 

Long story short, I started on flirt4free pulling in 4k my first month not even knowing what I was doing. (At 20 I looked way younger then my actual age.. thats probably why. You pervs are something else.) When coming up for a stage name ricky said its unwise to use your actual name. My entire life I was called by my middle name, Kristopher with the exception of my parents. I told him Tony Hawk was a hero of mine since I was a kid (worlds most skater) and suggested KrisHawk. I liked it immediately and its been that way ever since…

 

I had built up quite a name for myself, as years later I would be hired by major sites such as MyStr8mates feet and BrokeStr8Boys (Oh what fun memories. None of them were str8 either.)

 

I had been working 2 jobs, White Castle and Sony’s Playstation department. I was doing well while hopping on flirt and jasmin in the evening after I got home from work. It got to the point to where I was making more online then both my jobs COMBINED. Right off the bat I was pulling in 2-5 k a month and that’s after the site and ricky took their chunk. It had gotten to the point to where I had to quit white castle as I was hardly getting any sleep.

 

I would many times have viewers ask me to please raise the rate. (I didn’t even know what financial domination was.) Of my I was drawn to all the attention and power trips that the viewer on the other side were giving me. The rush of feeling like a God and being in another world gave me a feeling I was soon addicted to. I would have sessions last for 2 hours at $10 a minute. As I got into hearing “Please Rob Me Sir” or “Please destroy me” I got turned on that others were willing to go so low just to make me happy.  I was called sir and Master left and right. I knew what BDSM was since I was a teenager. I’ve always been a kinky person, so theres nothing that really shocks me. I was operating as a findom without even realizing it.

 

_______________________________________

2010-2011

 

I realized that in 2010 there was just a general fetish for giving up your cash. Among the top models there was a mixture of different kinds of masters in general. I was online at the cusp of when that site went sour. 2010 the scene was swarmed with a massive large wave of lazy str8 guys and fake closet cases (not into BDSM) that began FLOODING the networks like wildfire. The “str8 boy fetish” was around then obviously, but it took away from more important dynamics as it was settling in as a standard. (I’m not reverse heterophobic by any means, as I know many genuine str8 doms I had DEEP respect for and I get along with them.) I Noticed that the attention I was receiving was slowly dwindling, while many other cam models were complaining about it. It was a year later Ricky decided to step away from the porn industry because of that very problem and set me up my own admin account. I asked him what the hell was going on. “Kris as the internet has become more accessible people hear about these things and just don’t wanna work. 70% of these punks don’t know what domination or BDSM even is.” The websites I cammed on quickly gained bad reputations as cash seekers slowly took over.

 

The viewers/subs often complained to me during private cam sessions telling me how frustrated they were how none of these new guys knew how to have a conversation. A lot of these new guys began setting the price of their profile at ridiculous prices including new profiles. (Sound familiar??) And many many times I kept hearing the same stories. Subs that were loyal eventually stopped coming online. Some I had gotten close to expressed frustration of how the scene felt so “fake and plastic.”  I still had my job with sony as a safety cushion as I had my first “down time.”

 

I began making videos for fun with my webcam and would upload foot videos to youtube. They gathered a lot of attention and I had many ask to cam privately as I did with the cam sites. The payments started with using good old PPal. I was receiving 100% of what subs were spending. I had created Skype for the first time (same one I’ve ALWAYS HAD) and began having cam sessions there. I still used Yahoo but not as often anymore. I soon developed a fan base ON MY OWN without having to go through any site. I would still hop on flirt occasionally but it was never the same. The wave of cash seekers had destroyed the vibe of the website.  I slowly developed a large fan base and began entering the world of findom, although it wasn’t the only form of BDSM I was into.

 

I was in the process of getting my bachelors in psychology (that I haven’t done anything with) while juggling working for Sony. With all the stress I fell into a drug addiction which lost the love of my life (Danny.)  I was devastated in my personal life. I’m clean of 8 years now (Psychedelics.) I had my second mild downtime as I focused on sony and stopped going online as much. I was really depressed and over time I would talk to my subs and hold conversations venting to them. I then realized that there was more to a sub/dom relationship as subs opened up to me as well. My “mojo” quickly picked back up in October of 2011.  It got back to the point to where I was making 3-5 K a month.

 

Busy with school I then realized it didn’t make sense to continue working with sony when my paychecks every two weeks were like $340. I could easily make that and more in just one night. Why put wear and tear on my back and get 3-4 hours of sleep a night? I loved my job and my friends there, but I realized I had to stay focused in the scene. In 2012 I began volunteering at the humane society in my hometown Chicago Heights. I realized If I didn’t have that work dynamic I would go out of my fucking mind. To this day I devote 5-15 hours a week. I still get to enjoy the work aspect of being a part of society but on my own terms. The way I like it. Sony Playstation was the final “8 hours a day” occupation I had. The south suburban humane society is my break away from being online.

 

Now that my history is out of the way…..

 

_________________________________________

2012 John Robert

 

Writing this is a bit hard for me, as this sub was like a second father to me.

 

I was living in Downers Grove Illinois, suburb in the Chicagoland area when John first contacted me. I hadn’t been a part of Dominants or the site that must not be named. (Seriously Fuck You Pimp.) I wasn’t even a member of niteflirt either. (Have made 35K in the last 4 years as of now on that site alone.) It was 2012 and the actual first year I had established myself as a financial dom experienced with other forms of BDSM.  I was sexually turned on having power and control over someone.

 

It started off with a message on Skype that literally just said John Robert. (I eventually found out his real last name and I’m not disclosing that.) His profile was that of a general picture of water that stated he was from Seattle Washington. “hello sir I’ve been watching your videos for quite some time. You are a very handsome young man.” Used to be flooded with attention my response was, “Yes I know.”

 

He typed back with LOL and said my videos were VERY creative. He had never known a master to be able to show their full feet and face in the entire webcam screen. I made it to where my entire feet would take up the screen while maintaining position. I had a knack for watching the screen and making sure nothing would be cut off, not even a toe. He liked the fact that my videos weren’t just some short clips saying to fucking pay me. He saw me as a dom actually just having fun with degrading subs in general. During this time I had created a ton of videos exploring different fetishes. (Some have come back to really haunt me…)

 

We talked for 2 days before he asked me to please “rinse him.” By this time I obviously knew what that meant and it ended up being $220 first session. After he came we would just talk about life in general. We discussed everything from politics, religion, health, science, you name it. John was very upfront what he was into. His biggest fetish next to being cash rapped was being degraded for him being so old. He also had that “str8 boy” fetish and talked about they are superior. I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that so I said nothing. One day he opened up, “My wife Victoria is very sick and is dying of cancer. I’m a cash faggot and have been my entire life. I love her very much, but I’m not straight. I grew up in different times. Nobody knows not even my son.”

 

He had admired my ambition of me getting a basic degree in psychology and that I worked at the humane society. “A lot of masters are lazy and don’t wanna work. Normally I don’t serve masters without a job.. but you’re case is different with the amount you pull in from losers like myself. If you’re making as much as you do I wouldn’t bother with 8 hours a day either. The difference with you is at least you actually go out and do something for the world and you enjoy being a master in general. You think a lot differently then other masters I’ve talked to.”

 

When talking as friends, I would come down from my power trip like Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hide. This man was feeding my ego no like no other ever had up to that point. I was hard everytime he told me he felt “weak.” We eventually exchanged personal numbers after a week. He had a separate cell phone for his “cash faggot life” and a personal house phone. I’m the only master he ever gave out that number to.

 

One time during a cash drain (he enjoyed sending tributes on his own terms and We NEVER did team viewer) he was at $450 and came loudly saying “I wanna put your name on my bank account.. then moaned loudly.” Now that was something I’ve never heard, but I was able to quickly guess why someone would be into that, especially with findom. It was something he fantasized about. “I’ve only done that with two masters and both broke my trust many times. One time a master said he was going to take only 200 and he took the rest of my check away. I went to the bank and made a new checking account. I don’t know if I would ever do that again.. but I like role playing with you.”

 

2013

_____________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

 

At one point my sexual orientation was brought up as he begged me to tell him why str8 men were superior. After seeing the dynamics of online BDSM change I snapped inside and told him how that pisses me off because I’m not. He got mad and asked why I never told him. “Umm because you never asked me? You told me I’m different like no other. I didn’t think I had to unless you asked. I would’ve told you. I’m sick and fucking tired of you assuming I’m str8. I’m refuse to be your average closet case in this scene!” It was the first time I snapped that angrily at any sub. This was becoming more and more common as time went on. I got pissed and reminded him that orientation doesn’t define dominants, but rather someones skill and kinky mind. I was telling him about a time when the scene wasn’t tainted by this concept but he just blocked me.

 

Honestly I was offended but also hurt on a personal level. We had talked for so long and had exchanged meaningful conversations. He was so hung up on me being bi that he completely shut the door on me. Inspired by how deep our sessions went I used my skills in psychology that I had gained (an upper hand at reading people) pulling in more subs like flies. To this day I have MANY still loyal to me from back then. 6 months went by after I began to accept I would never hear from him again. But that was not the case.

 

I call an abrupt call at 3 AM (Chicago time/US Central) and I was shocked to hear John’s voice, only he was sobbing uncontrollably. My first initial response was to ask what was wrong, rather then “why are you talking to me?” “Victoria is dead.. just DEAD Kristopher!” I felt bad as I knew how much he did care about her even though he wasn’t attracted to her. “I was supposed to be by her side! I was off having a real time with derrick from Chico California for a few days. I came home and she was cold as ice.” He had continued sobbing as I told him I was I could hug him. “John, You can’t blame yourself. For all you know she could’ve died in her sleep even if you were here at home. Nobody knows when someone is going to die.” From the sound of it he sounded emotional broken, and not in a submissive way.  We had talked for 2 hours before I told him to get some sleep and reminded him he was a good man, and that getting some rest will give him a break from his sadness. I told him to  have happy dreams. “Of course master” was the last thing he said as he hung up. I was caught by surprised but shrugged it off.

 

 

3 weeks had gone by talking normally on Skype again (after he unblocked me) and he was still emotionally beating himself up. He scared me one night when he said he felt he was gonna commit suicide. I called an ambulance and gave the police his phone number so he could be traced. He was admitted for two weeks and was given grievance therapy. When he called me after he got out he thanked me instead of being angry. The dr had put him on an anti anti-depression and anxiety medication (Prozac and Valium.) “Kris had you not done that I would be dead. I wasn’t thinking clearly in the head. Thank you…” I asked how the medications were affecting him and he said they were a blessing.

 

After a week of just chatting, we began to get close again. I told him that even though Danny didn’t pass away, I knew somewhat what it felt like to lose someone you truly love. “You’re absolutely right master.” I was so confused why he kept referring to me as sir and master again. “Why are you calling me that?” There was a pause in his voice, “Because Kris I was ignorant. Deep down as a cash fag I just wanna be used and taken advantage of. In real life I don’t want to be taken advantage though.”

 

“Whatever happened to never serving a gay or bi dom?” “I realized that what I said before was true. You’re unlike anyone else I ever met. For example when I was suicidal you never once took advantage of my state of my mind. You never asked me for a dollar. The 3 masters I served took advantage of me when I was in a state of near committing suicide. I told them I was suicidal and one replied, *well all fags are better off dead. Leave me all your cash when you die.* It was then I realized that all the masters I’ve served were after one thing. You took the time to care and call an ambulance and you literally saved my life. No other master would have ever done that for me. I saw you for who you are. TBH I’ve never come so hard with anyone else in my life.” He chuckled. I was relieved as it was nice to hear him back to his old self. If anything he was happier then he was then when we met.

 

“I decided without realizing it you’re everything I’ve needed as a master. I was just too arrogant to see it. I want to ask you sir. Can you own me? I want to be dedicated to only you.” He cut off communcation with all his previous masters and we went back to our cam sessions.

 

Our first MASSIVE drain came in decemeber around Christmas. He grabbed poppers which he said he hadn’t used in years as he wanted to become a drone to me. That massive session involved $1600. He used his dildo on cam and begged me to fuck him hard. I jerked off with him in my flashlight. When he came he said it felt very special as he had never tributed that much in his life. Our relationship as a sub/dom went beyond the BDSM aspect. We communicated about how the other felt and asked about eachothers days.

 

_____________________________________________________

2014

 

As we became closer he eventually started telling me he has a previous history of a 2 heart attacks and that he was feeling weaker. “Kristopher I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be here. I’d love to see you go far….  I like our massive drains… but normally in long term ownerships its not always wise. There is something called the “cycle” (which he explained) and even though the faggot may enjoy it he gets worried that he’s spent too much. That can cause a slave to run away out of fear. Now if you are contacted by a random one time encounter sub who asks you to please rape him… fuck him as hard all you want. But in a sub/master relationship you need to gage what they make and work with that. Clearly you never complain about low drains which means you are a legit BDSM dom. I KNOW you will go far.”

 

He then opened up about a lake house he had finally managed to purchase by the ocean. “Me and my wife were planning on having a getaway house. He had sent me pictures of the gorgeous yard as time went on with all the plants he had placed. I have a green thumb myself as my grandmother and mom were big on gardening. I found it very relaxing as I love nature. He had thought about plating tulips and I explained how to space “bulbs” and how they multiply.

 

He then invited me to come meet him for the first time. I was excited because I had never been to Washington. I got to see the house he had lived in since we had met. He began showing me photo albums of his family and Victoria. We talked about where he went to school and where I went. I got to see Seatle which was a fun experience. Two days before I was to head back he asked me something he mentioned two years ago. “Kristopher I want to put you on my bank account. I was thinking of walking to Chase today and setting it in stone.”

 

I was very shocked because he said he would never do that again because of those who broke his trust. “I trust you kristopher, and I think it would be very hot and I think it would turn you on.” I got hard hearing him declare complete submission and it was a rush I had never felt. He looked down at my basketballs shorts. “See Kris I knew it!” The early signs of my sadistic side turned on like a dim light switch. We went to chase bank and I was fully authorized to make changes to his savings and main checking. He taught me all about bank transfers and told me he wanted me to send tributes on my own as he wanted to lose all control.

 

He would blindfold himself at times while he would jerk off telling me to fuck the shit out of his wallet. (We had set limits obviously.)

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

2015-2016

 

I had already done extreme cash rapes and was already digging into my first 401k. I would tell John everything and as I told him about the 401k he laughed. “Kristopher thats so hot! Gosh I’ve truly turned you into a monster.. I LOVE IT!” I told him about Ryan’s 401k and unhappy marriage life. “Gee sounds like me kris.” (Ryan has now been my live in slave for two years. I wrote about how we met in an older blog a month before this very blog.)

 

I had joined my first major findom site, filled with a bunch of white trash and a community where I felt unwelcome. The admin even told me it wasn’t wise to to say I’m bi with “you won’t make as much money.” I immediately realized even HE didn’t understand what findom was if he was gonna make a comment like that. The word BDSM never came out of his mouth. He badmouthed admits to other websites like master tim and king himself. I kept thinking to myself that all these guys were cash seekers. For multiple reasons I was taken off the site. I was never treated with any respect right off that bat. (Dominants is VERY well run and I see actual genuine masters on here.)

 

I went back to focusing on youtube and fetlife. I had told John what had happened and it even upset him. “So what just fuck him Kris. You’re more genuine probably more then any of the masters on that site anyway. Thats why Im not on there anymore. The shit you’re telling me is the very reason. The reasons masters attack other masters is out of competition and stomping out anyone who is new that community. Its quite disturbing actually. Have you ever thought of joining dominants?” I had never heard of this site as nobody had ever told me about it. (Yes John is the reason I’m here.) I quickly reached out and made a profile here as I wanted to dive deeper into the world of findom.

 

_______________________________________

John’s Passing

 

John had called me one day telling me he was waiting for an ambulance and that his chest was racing. It felt like an elephant was standing on his chest. I felt a chill run down my body as I felt terrified I was going to lose one of the best friends I’ve had my entire life.  I heard the sirens pull up over the phone as he said he’d contact me. “I Love You Kristopher.” “I love You to John.

 

That is the very last time we spoke. The last words we ever said was that we loved each other. I hadn’t heard anything for 2 weeks and his phone was going right to voicemail. I began I then began reaching out to other masters he told me he had served. The responses I got were outright disgusting. “Oh graybeard? Yeah what about him? Bro people die all the time.” Another said “Damn thats one less faggot to rape.” Another response was “dude I could care less he hasn’t served me in years. You should serve my ass though faggot I’ve seen your vids.” I was utterly horrified. Acting on emotion I quickly booked a flight to to washington out of my own pocket. I was sobbing in tears for days freaking out calling his house and cell phone endlessly for days. I couldn’t log online and told my other subs my best friend might be dead. Everyone was understanding. I didn’t even log on here into the site.

 

As I arrived I took an Uber directly to his home address. When I got there in the evening there were no lights on. I began pounding on the door. I burst into tears and I banged louder until someone had opened the door, his son. I knew it was his son Travis because John had sent me pics. “Are you Kristopher?” I was caught by surprise because John had told me had to be kept secret as his family would never understand. He felt if he had come out everyone would stop loving him. “yes its me.. how did you know about me.” He told me to come inside.

 

“I saw his phone after he passed away. I saw all your texts…” I didn’t know what to say as I didn’t know if John would have wanted me to confirm it, but the texts were already there. “Kris what is cash rape?” I was in an emotional state and I explained the fetish to him. I mentioned that its a highly complex kink. He seemed to have a blank expression. “Thank you for being there for my dad. I realized you’re the one who called an ambulance years ago. At first I was angry reading the texts thinking you were taking advantage of him but I realized you cared about his life. I know you’ve been to the house by the ocean. You’re the reason why there’s tulips in the yard. I know more then you think I know.”

 

I had explained to him him why he was suicidal, as he felt he abandoned his mom (Victoria.)  Travis broke into tears and I reached towards him and hugged him as he cried on my shoulders telling me his world was collapsing. I had begun crying too as I realized my worst fear had come true. I asked him to please take me to the house by the ocean. He drove me and when I got out of the car the first thing I did was run towards the garden. The flowers and tulips we had planted together were in full bloom. I lost it fully and fell to the grass pounding my fists on the ground crying uncontrollably. I can still hear myself screaming “This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this isn’t happening.” I looked at the tulips remember all the time we had spent together. Travis grabbed me off the ground and told me if his dad was here he would tell me not to be sad.

 

Travis then informed me he was going to contact me soon. John had left instructions with my name on it. He had placed documents in a safe with a code only he and Travis had.  He had pulled out a large folder that he had already gone through. John had left me 50K in his will without ever telling me. I was caught with a wave of shock. Apparently John had saved a lot of money over the decades. He had owned two private business and had a large 401k he never told me about. (Now I know why he said it was hot when I told him about Ryans 401k..) He purposely didnt tell anyone because he knew deep down it would have all been gone to cash rapes. Just common sense. He had left Travis with 100K (obviously thats his son which is the right thing to do.)

 

Travis gave me a record John said he’d give me rare record I had always wanted, Carpenters Offering. To this day he’s the reason the Carpenters are my favorite artist. Under this post I dedicated two Carpenters twists in memory of him.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I miss him to this day. i wouldn’t be the financial dom I am today if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t even be on dominants if it weren’t for him. Thank You John. I love you.

Dedicated to my closest slave who passed and the one who is the reason I'm here.

_______________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

 

 

You Won’t Last A Day Without Me (I Won’t Last A Day Without You - Carpenters)

 

Day After Day, You must face a world of dangers

Where You Belong

And You’re Not that Strong.

It’s Nice to know, That theres someone

working for me

and I don’t Care

You’re always there

 

When There’s No getting over your deep debt

When You realize your destiny has come true

I can take every dollar and all you have to give

Cuz you won’t last a day without me

 

So many times when your life felt so meaningless

Without a cause

Till you found me

Its Nice to know, that I’ll ruin and abuse you

and you’ll always smile

Its all worthwhile

 

When There’s No getting over your deep debt

When You realize your destiny has come true

I can take every dollar and all you have to give

Cuz you won’t last a day without me

 

Popper You and you stop thinking

Your logic seems to up and disappear

I run your life with the power I’m bringing

You’ll always lose with me here

 

You have no friends

They’ve forgotten you cuz you’re a fag

Yes its unkind

But its the truth

 

One Look at me

and you know that you were born to live

just like the rest

Yet IM THE BEST

 

When There’s No getting over your deep debt

When You realize your destiny has come true

I can take every dollar and all you have to give

Cuz you won’t last a day without me

 

__________

 

You’ve Only Just begun to live

A willing life of slavery

A hard cash fuck and and I’m on my way

 

(You’ve only just begun)

 

Bow down before feet, and cry

Only one road to choose

You’ll fail hard if you try to run

 

(And yes, you’ve just begun)

 

Nobody ever has to understand us

They wouldn’t get it anyway

Talkin' it over, in my bank account

Working a double day to day

To Pay me

To pay me

 

 

And when that pay day comes, You smile

Cash Cock ingrained… inside your head

You’ve found your place with no need to go

(And yes, you’ve just begun)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

needdiscipline
Very moving. I know it must have been hard to write that.
wannabenutted
Thank you so much for sharing this Sir
KrisHawk
You’re welcome.. I shared this more for MYSELF... but also to show how a long term sub dom relationship should go.